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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24377374">A Carnival of Souls</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/One_eyed_God/pseuds/One_eyed_God'>One_eyed_God</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Bleach</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, BAMF Kurosaki Ichigo, BAMF Kurosaki Masaki, Canon-Typical Violence, Found Family, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hollow!Ichigo - Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, Kurosaki Ichigo Dies, Kurosaki Ichigo-centric, Kurosaki Masaki Lives, M/M, Mostly Gen, Spoilers for the Thousand Years Blood War Arc, Thousand Year Blood War Arc Spoilers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 01:14:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,372</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24377374</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/One_eyed_God/pseuds/One_eyed_God</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Kurosaki Ichigo is nine years old when he dies.</p>
<p>Somehow, it changes everything and yet not so much.</p>
<p>Kurosaki Ichigo may be dead, but he is far from gone. He has a monster in his head, hunger settled deep within his bones and a fate to challenge.</p>
<p>Kurosaki Ichigo is nine years old when he dies, but in a world of soul reaper, gods and monsters, does it truly matter?</p>
<p>(yes, yes it does)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kurosaki Ichigo &amp; Coyote Starrk, Kurosaki Ichigo &amp; Kurosaki Masaki, Kurosaki Ichigo/Coyote Starrk</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>485</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. I'll come back so no need to say goodbye</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Haha it's me. *waves* I haven't published something since 2018 but thanks to SOME PEOPLE I've fallen far far deep into Bleach hell once more.<br/>Just so you know, while this is FAR from canon compliant, it does contain spoilers for the last arc of the manga at least in terms of revelations re Masaki and the whole Quincy story.</p>
<p>Hope you enjoy and thank you so much to coco's server for being so supportive!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kurosaki Ichigo is nine years old when he dies. He remembers it well - better than most spirits he talked to Before or After. He remembers his mother’s smile (<em>like the sun shining</em>), the creeping sense of fear when he saw the little girl about to jump into the river (<em>the patter of the rain</em>), remembers his own scream of pain (<em>bones breaking, skin tearing</em>), the taste of salt and copper (<em>tears and blood</em>).</p>
<p>He remembers pushing his mother away when he understood that the little girl (monster) was a danger. Remembers thinking “No, not her, take me instead”. He remembers thinking “My name is Ichigo and it means first protector so I must protect my mother” (<em>the center of his universe</em>).</p>
<p>Mostly he remembers the hunger. It has settled under his skin, curled around his bones. There is a beast inside Ichigo and that night, it woke up, opened its maw and swallowed Ichigo whole, changed him (<em>a monster to fight other monsters</em>) before it spat him out. It’s taken him a while to remember who he is underneath the mask, to stop snapping bones with his teeth and look around, blood washed away by the rain. The mask breaks down like a thousand glass shards, falls apart, crunches underneath his steps as he goes looking for his mother.</p>
<p>The hunger is still there.</p>
<p>At first, he thinks it’s the hole. He can see it when he looks down, a black hole of nothingness right where his heart used to be (<em>he tries to not think about the fact that he has no pulse; He is still only nine years old after all</em>). He runs, faster than anything alive, and looks for his mother’s smile. He tries to push the hunger down but now the beast is awake, wary of him just as he is of it. It laughs at him when he cries and snarls when he gets angry. So he stops.</p>
<p>He stops and thinks.</p>
<p>Kurosaki Ichigo is nine years old but he is brilliant. He is the son of Kurosaki Masaki and it only takes him a few minutes at most to understand that he is dead, that he is now part of the people that no one can see (<em>not even his mother, not anymore, but that’s not something Ichigo knows yet</em>). He looks for his house, sees it draped in the traditional white. There are people around, some that he recognizes (<em>classmates who called him crazy, crying with big fat tears</em>)</p>
<p>(<em>the old woman he helped once a week because she gave him candies that he could share with his sisters, with red eyes and looking older than ever</em>)</p>
<p>(<em>Tatsuki, always so serious, in a pretty dress even though she hates them and frowning so hard just to stop the sobs</em>)</p>
<p>Some he doesn’t know, but Ichigo watches them from far away anyway, hidden in the trees, the beast growling at them like at a prey. There’s a man with a hat, bowing low, with the weight of the world on his defeated shoulders and a tall serious man with sad eyes hidden by glasses. The beast doesn’t like them at all, especially the man with the hat, so Ichigo stays away, barely sees them shaking hands with his father (<em>his father isn’t crying but he looks oh so serious, like maybe part of his world has died, and it doesn’t suit him at all, but it makes Ichigo feels warm anyway</em>).</p>
<p>It would be weird to go to his own funeral anyway.</p>
<p>His mother is in his (ex) room. She is not smiling, and at first, Ichigo barely recognizes her. She is looking at her hands. She looks <em>grey</em>, not sad but dull. It’s as if the sun has been covered by dark clouds and Ichigo yearns to come closer, to hug her and for once, be the one to comfort her, but the beast is asking for food and he refuses to stay close if it means putting his family in danger.</p>
<p>Instead, he picks a flower, a pretty yellow one and puts it on his mother’s windowsill, hopes it’ll cheer her up if only a little. He does the same for his sisters, that he can hear crying even now, torn apart from their big brother that they loved so much.</p>
<p>Then he goes to eat some more monsters.</p>
<p>Kurosaki Masaki feels guilty. She knows the way the world, her world works, and she should have taught Ichigo how to defend himself, Isshin’s advice be damned. But she loved, loves Isshin, for all his flaws, and the blame is neither entirely his nor hers. It’s not even Urahara Kisuke’s, never mind what he said at the funeral, bowing so low she heard his spine crack. No, the blame lies elsewhere, and that is why she watches her hands so closely - because she can’t <em>see</em> anymore, nor can she summon <em>Heilig Bogen</em> and there’s only one person with the power to take away hers. He should be dead or so the stories say, but she is not surprised to learn of the failings of Soul Society, at least not of this particular one.</p>
<p>Still, she should have been the one to die, not little Ichigo, so brave and so fierce in his will to protect his loved ones.</p>
<p>(<em>in her nightmares, she sees him cry out and push her away just as the hollow - Grand Fisher - swallow his entire being, before her sight was robbed from her and the only thing left was the broken body of her son and the sound of her sobs</em>)</p>
<p>She should have pushed him away, but one can rebuild the entire world with “should have”, so Kurosaki Masaki allows herself a month to grieve, before she gathers herself and goes to meet Urahara at his shop.</p>
<p>She has powers to take back and a king to kill.</p><hr/>
<p>Arisawa Tatsuki is nine years old when she learns what grief is. She isn’t tall enough to reach the stove yet, can’t ride in the front of her mom’s car and yet, she knows what it feels like to burst into tears in the middle of class because Ichigo is <em>gone</em> and won’t ever be able to try to beat her.</p>
<p>(it only happens once because Tatsuki is a child but she’s also a tomboy and doesn’t want her classmates to think she’s a crybaby; Instead, she quietly sobs in her bed, in the middle of the night.)</p>
<p>Arisawa Tatsuki is still nine years old when she sees Ichigo’s mom for the first time after the funeral. It’s barely a week after. It feels too soon to come into the last place she saw Ichigo alive, but Tatsuki doesn’t believe in denial, so she comes to train and if she misses a lot more than she used to, well, it only means that she needs to train harder.</p>
<p>That day, Kurosaki Masaki comes into the dojo, pale and tired. The instructor asks her if she needs anything, with a look of pity in his eyes that Tatsuki recognizes because she sees it a lot when she tells adults she doesn’t have a father.</p>
<p>Masaki smiles, but it doesn’t look at all like the smile she used to have. It’s small and forced, like she doesn’t want to smile but tries anyway because it’s better than to cry in front of strangers.</p>
<p>(Tatsuki knows what it feels like: she sees the same smile in the mirror every rainy mornings)</p>
<p>Masaki-san says that she came because of the habit; that she forgot for a moment, was lost in her thoughts and her feet brought her here by reflex. She’s lying, Tatsuki knows. Masaki-san’s eyes are looking over the dojo room, trying to find a piece of her dead son, something familiar and less painful than memories. AS they settle on Tatsuki, her smile becomes a little less forced, a little more real.</p>
<p>Tatsuki remembers how much Ichigo loved his mother, how her simple presence was enough to dry all of his tears and bring a smile to his face. She remembers him proudly claim that he’d protect his mother and their family because that was what his name meant. She remembers and looks at her own hand, just as small as his had been, but just as strong.</p>
<p>If Ichigo can’t protect his family anymore, then Tatsuki, as his best friend, will do it. She’ll get stronger - the strongest in the country, in the world if she has to - and protect them in Ichigo’s stead.</p>
<p>Arisawa Tatsuki is nine years old, but not for much longer. One day, she’ll make a mean miso soup, she’ll go to school by herself, she’ll make friends and protect them from bullies.</p>
<p>For now, she goes toward Masaki-san, takes her hand, and with a smile as big as Ichigo’s used to be, she proudly says:</p>
<p>“Kurosaki-san, I’m Tatsuki and Ichigo’s my best friend, so I’ll look after you!”</p>
<p>They leave together, silent but warmer now that Ichigo’s absence is no longer the only thing they can think about. They share memories instead, the fights Ichigo lost, how he cried, smiled, frowned, how he was back when the sun shone, before the rain settled in, washed away a life that should have been too short to be taken so soon. Masaki shares Ichigo’s likes and dislikes, the secrets he told her about Tatsuki, how he liked that she was so strong and yearned to be more like her. Tatsuki shows Ichigo’s favourite places to go after school, tells Masaki-san how much he loved her and how bright he was whenever she came in the room.</p>
<p>They smile and cry together, but it’s enough, somehow, to start healing.</p>
<p>That night, Tatsuki is invited for dinner, an invitation that slowly becomes a new habit. For Tatsuki, who’s only ever had her mom, it’s bewildering to be invited in this grieving family, to share their sadness and recovery. One day she hears a few patients suggests to Isshin-san that the Kurosaki move Ichigo’s things, so they can use the room again - after all, what if the twins want their own room? Isshin-san doesn’t yell and somehow it’s scarier because Isshin-san is dramatic and loud, but that’s how you know that he’s okay; so Tatsuki yells and lashes out to the people who dared hurt Ichigo’s loved ones with their thoughtless words. She yells and stomps on the ground, throws a god damned tantrum until the patients are red with embarrassment.</p>
<p>(After they leave, Isshin-san ruffles her hair and gives her a lollipop, so she knows she did good)</p>
<p>Somehow, Tatsuki becomes a part of the Kurosaki household. She babysits the girls when the clinic is full, trains with both Masaki and Isshin, and a boy named Uryuu that turns out to be Masaki’s nephew or something. She teaches the basics to the girls too once they are old enough to know what it means to hurt someone, and to protect what they hold dear. Karin loves it, punches hard and fast, never cries anymore even when she hurts her knuckles by training too hard. Yuzu is nicer but also knows how to hurt with sharp words and a smile. For Tatsuki who only knows to say what she thinks, it’s scarier than the meanest punches.</p>
<p>(Tatsuki likes being a part of this family, likes protecting Ichigo’s loved ones and even though she believed him when he said he couldn’t see ghosts, she hopes that ghosts can see them, that <em>he</em> can see them, see that even though they’ll always miss him, they are going to be alright.)</p>
<hr/>
<p>Urahara Kisuke is stuck. His trump card is dead, his spirit gone, and while he has other contingency plans, he isn’t sure how much more he’ll be able to take. His Onmitsukidô training gives him the idea to try and make another child the future hero of Soul Society but Kisuke is, perhaps for the first time in his long life, tired of experimenting. The tangible grief of the Kurosaki is too much, even for him, and after bowing to them for not being there in time, for not doing anything to save the boy, Kisuke vows to take another path.</p>
<p>Even if he wanted, he’s not sure he could use another child. The very idea leaves an ashen taste in his mouth, similar to the time he had to exterminate entire families on the orders of the Central 46. Now that he is free, he shouldn’t have to resort to underhanded tactics, even against an enemy like Sousuke Aizen. But there lies the problem, doesn’t it? It isn’t just Aizen anymore, because even Aizen doesn’t have the power to take away a Quincy’s ability.</p>
<p>He can deal with Aizen - as much as the man is still a mystery, Kisuke still spent time observing him, uncovering the first layers and he knows how the man <em>works</em>. But the king of the Quincy? The very man that made the creation of the Gotei 13 a necessity, the so-called son of the Soul King, who went against the Soutaicho himself and almost won?</p>
<p>Kisuke doesn’t know how to deal with that. Perhaps that’s only because he feels guilty, the same way he felt guilty and useless the first few decades after his exile, but his brain doesn’t give him any outcome where they come out victorious, no matter Yoruichi’s encouragement and Masaki’s iron will. So he sighs, drinks tea made by Tessai, because he is so <em>tired</em> and when he looks at his hands, he only sees the blood of Kurosaki Ichigo, dead at nine years old because Kisuke thought to play with lives yet again and <em>failed</em>.</p>
<p>Urahara Kisuke is broken because the only thing he brings with his plans and his so-called genius is death and misery.</p>
<p>(<em>Masaki gives him a month before she comes, a new fire in her eyes and a smile maybe a little smaller than it used to be but still there because Masaki has always been strong in the face of tragedy. She gives him a month to wallow, then she kicks him in the face and tells him to train her and gives her her powers back no matter what, because there’s no way she’s staying out of the fight this time</em>)</p>
<p>(<em>Yoruichi laughs at him, after that, and tells him that had Masaki not beaten her to it, she would have done worse to wake him up, and that stops his complaining at once</em>)</p>
<hr/>
<p>Ichigo grows. He loses time a lot, first to the beast and then later to boredom. No one told him that death would be so <em>boring</em>. Of course, not many people are willing to talk about death with a nine years old, and even if they were, the Ichigo from Before wouldn’t have asked. After-Ichigo doesn’t really care, except that there’s nothing to do for a monster in a human world.</p>
<p>(<em>he’s slowly changing, he’s aware, probably because he’s made peace with the beast in a strange upside down world, shaken the hands of his monochrome other self</em>)</p>
<p>(<em>the hole is still there, as is the hunger, but it’s less scary now, simply a part of his new him</em>)</p>
<p>He tries, of course, to protect his family and the few spirits he made friends with. He only hunts the monsters, even if his beast growls at him and the hunger only grows the more he feeds. He ignores it the same way he used to ignore his father’s antics and only makes a few pointed comments about how hunting humans would be too easy for them- they’re strong, stronger than any of the monsters that prowl in the town.</p>
<p>Which explains why he’s so bored now.</p>
<p>He’s even tried to follow Tatsuki to school, hanging around in the back of the class, breaking into the library after hours to read books and learning new Kanji (and isn’t that weird, how much he can interact with the world? He can pick flowers and possess animals, can read books and draw on the chalk board), but even that grows boring with time. It’s not so much that there’s nothing for him to do, but simply… He’s lonely.</p>
<p>Even back Before, he had his sisters and his mother, and even his father (as weird and distant as he could be). Then there was Tatsuki and his classmates, his teachers, his instructor at the dojo and the neighbors that he helped with their groceries and chores. Now, he only has a few spirits he hangs out with, most of whom are scared of what he can do, no matter how much he tries to be non-threatening. There are no challenges, nothing to keep him occupied and to distract him from the dark thoughts that sometimes keep him awake at night (not that he needs sleep anymore of course).</p>
<p>He doesn’t complain though, mostly because the beast complains enough for two, about the rain in the upside-down world and the uselessness of melancholy when there are things to hunt and fight and kill and eat. Ichigo mostly agrees - contemplation is all well and good, but it won’t change his world so he keeps fighting and protecting, keeps growing stronger and bigger until finally something changes.</p>
<p>He saves a crow. It’s small, nothing more than a chick (what do you call a baby crow anyway, he wonders, as the beast laughs at him like always) but it was possessed by a spirit who refused to move on and was about to change into a monster.</p>
<p>(<em>maybe he should be more afraid, of the fact the monsters he eats used to be humans, but he is a monster now, and the hunger won’t let itself be forgotten anyway so he shrugs and keep feasting, teeth too sharp and smile too wide</em>)</p>
<p>He eats the monster, then allows the baby bird to ride on his shoulders as he feeds it a tiny part of his energy to make it stronger. He doesn’t know how he does it exactly, but at this point, most of what he does is instinct anyway so he doesn’t question this newfound knowledge, only does it and then goes to the edge of the road to put the bird down and allows its parents to find it safe and sound.</p>
<p>The problem is that the bird doesn’t <em>stay</em> on the side of the road. It doesn’t know how to fly but it certainly knows how to hop, and it does, following him as quickly as it can, all the while chirping like only baby birds do. And at first, he thinks it cute, allows it to keep him company because why not after all, it’s not like he can’t protect it.</p>
<p>Except three days later, it’s not one bird following him, it’s ten.</p>
<p>“Did you seriously invite your whole family to stay with me?” he asks the chick on his shoulder, much too serious for someone talking to a bird. The bird chirps back at him and for one insane second, Ichigo feels like it’s laughing.</p>
<p>(<em>the beast on the other hand is no longer simply laughing, it’s howling and Ichigo feels entirely justified when the next time he sleeps he kicks its ass hard enough that it doesn’t try anything for a fewdays</em>)</p>
<p>Still, he doesn’t chase the birds away, and instead allows them to give him tiny treasures that he then leaves next to his mother’s windowsill, like he did the day of his funeral. They’re only shiny stones, lost bubbles, and pretty flowers he finds on the side of the road, but he thinks it might bring a smile to his mother.</p>
<p>For a while it’s enough.</p>
<hr/>
<p>The day everything changes, it rains. It seems to be a trend, one that Ichigo is quickly learning to hate. There are more of these people who aren’t quite spirits, nor monsters, but still give off the same energy. Ichigo learned quickly to hide from them, whether they are hiding amongst humans, like that one man with the hat that he saw once or twice since the funeral, or staying as themselves, unseen by anyone but those like Ichigo. They hunt the monsters he knows, but they don’t eat them so they must be different from him.</p>
<p>His beast hates them for some reason, so he stays away, even from those who pose no threat to him. He is wary, and hides amongst the spirits, watches them from afar, using his birds to spy.</p>
<p>(<em>it’s a good thing he kept feeding his energy to his friends, letting them slowly become more aware, more powerful. They are his friends but they are also a part of him now, so other monsters know to stay away from them</em>)</p>
<p>There are dozens of them now, enough to hide everywhere in the city, so he knows the coming and going of everyone he cares about but also the spirits he protects, the ones close to becoming (<em>food</em>) monsters and the strangers invading his territory. He watches the strangers surprised, then scared that there are so few monsters around despite the heavy energy in all the region.</p>
<p>He learns that he is something called a Hollow (or something close at least), that his energy is called reiatsu, that the strangers are Shinigami, tasked with keeping the living world safe, purifying the Hollows and sending the spirits into their world. Ichigo, with all the bitterness he accumulated for years, thinks back to that Rainy Day, and tells his birds that the Shinigami are not doing a very good job. Crow, the baby bird that he saved once upon a time, caws loudly in approval.</p>
<p>(<em>she is a fiery little thing, larger than most of his crows, and with the temperament to boot. She has no love for anything other than him and their family, and once blinded a Hollow in one eye just to protect him</em>)</p>
<p>“Senpai, do we have to stay here?” one of the Shinigami asks, sweat dripping from his forehead, “The reiatsu of the town is making me sick…”</p>
<p>“You know Captain Kurotsuchi wants those readings,” his companion, a stern-looking woman, answers “and anyway, there’s talk of a Gillian making its way here what with the lack of smaller hollows to put it off.”</p>
<p>“But still…”</p>
<p>“If you’re so sick, go ask for a day off, but don’t complain when the Captain makes you take one of his special remedies…”</p>
<p>For some reason, this is enough to make the smaller man straighten up, and there are no more talk between the two Shinigami. Ichigo doesn’t know who this captain is, or what is a Gillian, but he is still bored so when he leaves his post to go give his daily gift to his mother, he leaves one of his birds - Spot he calls it, because it has a white spot on its beak - to watch them and report if anything suspicious happens.</p>
<p>(if it’s because the day is dark and rain is slowly starting to fall, well, none of his birds will tell on him anyway)</p>
<p>(he’s always near his family on days like this, watching over them because it’s the only thing he can do)</p>
<p>He stays far away from Karin, because his sister has started seeing the spirits too and he doesn’t want her to recognize him. He’d love to see her, to hug her and Yuzu, and his mom and dad but he also knows from reading all the books he could find in the library that grief includes moving on, so he doesn’t want to prevent his family from that.</p>
<p>(<em>he doesn’t want them to see the monster he’s become</em>)</p>
<p>He hunts one hollow on his way, and breaks the legs of a human trying to assault a human girl. He still doesn’t hunt humans, but as the years passed, he now feels less guilty about intervening when there’s the need to - saving a girl from a monster in human form seems like a good thing to do. He doesn’t eat him (doesn’t think he could stomach it anyway), but the fear he sees in his face is a meal in itself, as is the relief and wonder on the girl’s face. She calls the police and an ambulance anyway, and stays near the unconscious body of her assailant.</p>
<p>He tries not to judge her, because this is a kind thing to do for a kid barely old enough to walk herself home. His beast has no qualms about it and whispers in his mind that she will be killed before she’s fifteen years old.</p>
<p>(<em>this is what he doesn’t want his family to see</em>)</p>
<p>He lets a bird with her (Taberu, the one who is always hungry and keeps stealing the food of his siblings) and asks him to follow her. If there’s one kind soul he can protect, then he will. His name is still Ichigo after all, no matter how much of a monster he now is.</p>
<p>In the years that have gone by, his mother has gained grey in her hair, and wrinkles around her smiles. It doesn’t make her less sunny, even as she takes care of her two surviving children and her goofy husband.</p>
<p>Yuzu has grown up well, and she doesn’t see spirits at all which makes it easier for Ichigo to keep an eye on her, to follow the steps of her usual day with a smile on his face because his baby sister hasn’t let her brother’s loss keep her down. She cooks and helps with the chores, makes friends everywhere she goes. She has the same smile as their mother, Ichigo notes with a pang in his heart (it’s strange, that he still has a heart despite the hole in its place). She is strong, kind and fierce despite her young age. She feeds Ichigo’s birds when she sees them and they are as protective of her as they are of Ichigo (except maybe Crow who loves Ichigo more than anything)</p>
<p>This rainy day, it’s Masaki that Ichigo follows, slightly wary because it’s not the first time that she went to that particular candy shop over the last few years - it belongs to the mysterious man with the hat, the one hiding a Shinigami. A damn strong one too, so Ichigo stays away, only looks at his mother’s back while wishing more than anything that her smile was directed at him once more.</p>
<p>(Masaki has been strong, kept her vow to protect her family, and trains hard every time she can. Still, on those rainy days like That One from a few years ago, melancholy finds her as she walks to Urahara-san’s shop. He would have been twelve, nearly thirteen when summer came. She wonders if his smile would still be the same or if he’d become more serious as he grew up. In her darkest moments she imagines him becoming a hollow, becoming the beast she has to fight against, a lost spirit with no sense of self anymore. Then she thinks about the Shinigami her son will surely become, memories from his human time gone, wonders if he now has a new mother, a new family. She wonders if anything from her is still withing him.</p>
<p>She doesn’t know her son is staring at her, that if she would just turn back she would catch his eyes, see the now perpetual frown marring his face. She’d see the scars he gained over the years, the murder of crows, eyes sharp and reiatsu blue, too smart to be simple birds.</p>
<p>If she would just turn back, both of their wishes would be granted, but she doesn’t, keep her eyes on her goal, and Ichigo doesn’t call out.</p>
<p>They miss each other, so close and yet so far away)</p>
<hr/>
<p>Yoruichi is a damn good spy. Even now, far from Soul Society and without a division to lead, she never fails to train herself, to keep her instincts sharp and her blade sharper. Even nowadays, a hundred years in exile, she can still slip in Soul Society unnoticed to spy on them and no one has ever caught her. Honestly, if it didn’t serve her goals so well, she’d be offended - do none of the 2nd division members remember her lessons? Kisuke teases her sometimes, that because Soul Society is so laxist she has it easy and is getting soft. And while she denies it, she can’t refute that they are no threat to her.</p>
<p>(<em>Sui Fong certainly tries, but for an assassin, she lacks subtlety; she is years away from catching up to her old master</em>)</p>
<p>So when she sees the bird, again, hanging around the shop, she knows something is up. It’s been days now - it’s always here in one way or another, perched on the roof, or in the trees nearby. It watches, silent, never cawing or flying away, not even when some kids throw stones at it. It simply glares until they run off screaming that this bird is weird.</p>
<p>Yoruichi agrees.</p>
<p>It’s weird, because it’s following Kurosaki Masaki, and <em>spying</em> on the shop. At first, she considers telling Kisuke - he’s been holed up in the lab for weeks now, trying to get the Hougoukyu to cooperate with Masaki-chan’s reiatsu. Apparently, the thing doesn’t like Quincy but Kisuke swears he’s close to a breakthrough, so Yoruichi resolves to tell him when she has a little more information.</p>
<p>Masaki-chan hasn’t noticed anything - she’s a bright girl, but the bird is not exactly obvious if you aren’t paying attention. Yoruichi has been trained in wars, is a few centuries old now, while Masaki is still young and sometimes, her innocence betrays her. The only time she notices the bird, she feeds it some of her lunch before going back home.</p>
<p>(<em>Yoruichi isn’t sure a crow is supposed to eat oden, but she is no expert</em>)</p>
<p>The crow is big, almost as big as her cat form, and swift to hop away when she jumps on it. But Yoruichi is fast, faster than any other Shinigami and even a weird crow like this one has nothing on her - in a few seconds it’s over, she has it pinned between her paws, purring with the satisfaction of a job well-done.</p>
<p>At first, she thinks it’s a new way for Soul Society to spy on the shop. It wouldn’t surprise her - Kurotsuchi is twisted enough to use some poor animal as a test subject. But there’s no familiar reiatsu on the bird, no smell she recognizes. Even with the rain washing away the most obvious ones, she should smell <em>something</em>.</p>
<p>Instead, there’s only the smell of death and ashes - the smell of a hollow.</p>
<p>She turns around right as the figure appears in the backyard, a boy who looks in the middle of puberty, gangly and too tall, awkward in his own skin. He’s no human, not with the way his eyes glow dark and yellow even through the fog, but he also has no mask and Yoruichi is old, has been trained by the best there is but she has never seen a hollow without a mask, who looks like a human. He’s wearing tattered clothes, too small for him, with mangled, scarred skin displayed for everyone to see, the hole right over his heart.</p>
<p>He looks young, but also old, the way people who have seen death and battles are.</p>
<p>For some reason she hesitates, feels her heartbeat thumps in her chest, before she allows the bird to fly free and prepares herself for a fight. Kisuke and Tessai are nearby if anything goes wrong, and the Vizards are probably in town too but -</p>
<p>But will that be enough?</p>
<p>It’s fear that she feels, a primordial one that comes from centuries of teaching from Soul Society - Hollows are monsters, they don’t look like humans, not even the most powerful of them, the famed Vasto Lorde. So who exactly is that boy? He doesn’t look threatening, only wary, the way feral cats are after being betrayed too many times.</p>
<p>He reminds her of her brother, and even as she fears him, she also feels sadness, wants to take that boy and hide him away if only he shows he isn’t a threat. Internally, she scoffs at herself. She <em>is</em> getting soft, damn it. She’s gonna have to beat Kisuke at their next spar just to get rid of that frustration - plus he’s been getting sassy with her lately, what with making progress on Masaki-chan’s powers and all. It’ll be good for him to get pummeled to the ground.</p>
<p>But that will come later. First, she’s dealing with that strange boy. She takes a breath -</p>
<p>“So, are you a Shinigami?”</p>
<p>- and gets interrupted right before she can speak. Seems like he is smart enough to recognize her reiatsu - and he knows what Shinigami are too. It means he’s not just a Plus who happens to have gotten rid of his chain (never mind if that is even possible in the first place).</p>
<p>“I am,” she agrees. He hums, soft and thoughtful.</p>
<p>“I didn’t think cats could become Shinigami. Seems like Cordelia’s dream of becoming one isn’t that impossible, huh?” He’s clearly speaking to the bird perched on his shoulder, who caws mockingly back. Yoruichi didn’t know it was possible for crows to be sarcastic - clearly she was mistaken.</p>
<p>The boy is mistaken too because he seems to think she’s an actual cat. Well, it means she has an ace in her sleeve if needs be. He <em>still</em> isn’t hostile and - well. She isn’t just Kisuke’s friend because he was her third in command back at the Sereitei. She’s also his friend because they have things in common. Fighting is one. Being assholes to people is another. There’s also having a lot of secrets, their particular humour and their great sense of fashion.</p>
<p>But more importantly, they have their <em>curiosity</em>. Yoruichi may not be the scientist that Kisuke is, but she understands his drive, better than anyone (except maybe Tessai).</p>
<p>And this boy, this strange sweet boy, with wild orange hair, yellow eyes full of human emotions, who is followed with crows with Shakespearian names who want to become Shinigami, this hollow who somehow manages to break every single rule there is for his kind? She wants to see what he’ll become.</p>
<p>It’s a risk - he may become the biggest threat they’ll face, even considering Aizen. But he may also become a great ally, if she can convince him Shinigami aren’t a threat to him.</p>
<p>(<em>She’ll have to work again on her lying skills first perhaps</em>)</p>
<p>For a moment, she wonders about the Kurosaki boy. The hollow hasn’t given his name, but even as young as he is, it’s difficult to miss the Shiba genes. Should she tell Masaki-chan? Or Kisuke?</p>
<p>But then, she doesn’t want to get their hopes up if the boy ends up being a threat.</p>
<p>She doesn’t know she holds the fate of Kurosaki Ichigo in her hands, as she makes the decision to wait and see.</p>
<p>Somewhere, far in the depths of the Hueco Mundo, where no Hollow dares to go, the wheels of fate are turning, and an old woman grins.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Ichigo is having a lot of fun with the cat Shinigami. It’s weird because he’s pretty sure most Shinigami would hunt him on sight, but she lets him pet her (she loves scratches behind her ears and right at the beginning of her tail) and talks him into breaking into the candy shop to try on some new clothes.</p>
<p>(She says the owner won’t mind, that he probably won’t even find out they disappeared)</p>
<p>(He’s not sure he believes her, considering the fact that she attacked his bird while he was monitoring that shop, but he gives her the benefit of the doubt, if only because she has the cutest nose)</p>
<p>(Maybe also because it’s been a long time since he talked to another intelligent being, besides his crows)</p>
<p>(They count, okay? They do)</p>
<p>She makes her try a lot of outfits. Loose clothes mostly, despite Ichigo protesting that it’s not really practical. Her only answer is that she “knows men with twice that much folders, and looser clothes and hair who can probably knock you out with a single finger. Trust me Orange, wear whatever you want, and get good at fighting in them. Easier this way.”</p>
<p>Ichigo doesn’t protest, though it’s less ‘wear whatever <em>he</em> wants’ and more ‘whatever <em>she </em>wants’ but… It’s still more fun than he’s had in the last few years. He never realized a monster like him could get touch starved but he guess he must be, at least a little. A cat isn’t much better than a crow, even if this particular one can talk. He wishes, for one or two seconds, that Yoruichi was a human. One that he could… Touch, without fighting or danger.</p>
<p>(During those two seconds, he misses his mom, fiercely. He always misses her, of course, but right then, he misses her warmth, her hugs always just a little too tight because she’s always too enthusiastic about it and forget her strength. It made his breath short, and his tears stop.)</p>
<p>(He misses her so much, that he almost doesn’t hear Yoruichi’s next suggestion. When she cocks her head at him, he looks away, frowns to get the wetness out of his eyes.)</p>
<p>He finally gets an outfit that he likes - a bit too white for his taste maybe but it’s one of the few that isn’t so loose that he’d trip over it at his first run. His monster purrs when he puts it on, the feeling of new tissue so soft and just tight enough that he can feel it fit around his throat. A good enough protection, the monster growls, at least until he has no need to protect himself, because he will be the strongest.</p>
<p>(He’ll hunt them all. He’ll eat them all.)</p>
<p>(Shinigami, Hollow, anything, it doesn’t matter. If they stand in his way, if they dare be a threat he’ll -)</p>
<p>Ichigo stops moving. Hamlet is in distress. He was following Ichigo’s mother and now <em>he’s in danger</em> -</p>
<p>He’s out of the room and halfway on the other side of the street before Yoruichi can ask what’s wrong.</p>
<p>(He doesn’t know it but after seeing this, Yoruichi is already planning. He’s a mystery if not a threat yet, and Yoruichi has never quite been able to control her curiosity. You know what they say about cats after all)</p>
<p>Hamlet is playing dead when Ichigo arrives at his location. It’s nothing unusual - he likes to surprise Ophelia or annoy Iago. But this time, he has an arrow pointed at this breast. The crow is as still as a stone, but the boy - he can’t be much older than Ichigo, though he certainly looks healthier - still doesn’t release his tension. His arrow is blue though, and comes from a strange bow just as blue. Ichigo can feel reiatsu coming from it except it’s… <em>different.</em> It’s not the same as Yoruichi-san or other Shinigami and his monster <em>growls </em>at it, complains that it feels different, bad, dangerous. The monster wants to kill the boy of course, but as far as Ichigo knows, it’s a human so it means he’s off limits. He looks familiar somehow and that makes Ichigo all the more uncertain.</p>
<p>He does see Ichigo, though, that much is clear when the boy takes one look at him then swiftly turns his bow towards Ichigo. Ichigo doesn’t take the bait, only gestures towards Hamlet with a hand:</p>
<p>“Come on Hamlet, stop playing around. I thought you were in danger or something. Or worse.”</p>
<p>Hamlet only croaks very loudly in his ear as an answer when he lands on Ichigo’s shoulder, then turns his back on him, feather puffed.</p>
<p>“Who are you and why is that crow following my aunt and school students around?”</p>
<p>The monster growls louder in his mind. But there’s also another voice, older, less familiar, that echoes somewhere. The monster growls at it too, hisses that it <em>doesn’t belong</em>, but Ichigo knows it somehow. It’s familiar, the same way the monster is.</p>
<p>The voice does belong, but it is different - less <em>his</em> than his monster. But still his enough that it tells him what to say.</p>
<p>“You… You’re a Quincy,” Ichigo tastes the word, foreign and yet close. “That - that weapon is… It’s a Spirit Weapon isn’t it? You use the Reishi all around you…”</p>
<p>“What the hell? How do you know that? You’re not a Quincy and you don’t feel like a Shinigami or a Plus…” The boy frowns, swallows nervously, then adds, “You’re a hollow aren’t you?”</p>
<p>Ichigo doesn’t feel the need to lie - the boy may be close to his age and <em>alive</em>, but he’s far from being near Ichigo’s level even if he tries his best. The worst thing he could do is call more of those Quincies, more powerful and experimented ones. Somehow, Ichigo knows the boy won’t do that. He’s terrified certainly, encountering a hollow so far from his power level. Maybe he’s hunted before, but never alone - the monster purrs because the boy stinks of fear. Ichigo should probably house train him.</p>
<p>“I am,” he nods, “but I’m not a threat I promise. I only came to see why my bird was scared.”</p>
<p>The boy squints at him in suspicion, but doesn’t try to shoot, which Ichigo counts as a win. He’d like to avoid a fight - he doesn’t want the Shinigami on his tail, doesn’t want to leave the town and his family.</p>
<p>“Why is your bird following my aunt around? Answer me!”</p>
<p>His aunt? Ichigo’s mom is his aunt? So it means that - Ichigo looks at his newfound cousin with bewilderment. He never knew he had a cousin - or even a family beyond his mom, dad and sisters. He’s seen the boy around, simply because his mom trains him sometimes but he never would have guessed that they were related. He should look into it, he supposes, if only because if he has more family, then it means more people to protect (the beast likes that, purrs loudly, even though it doesn’t like the boy).</p>
<p>“I didn’t know she was your aunt - I’m protecting her. I don’t like eating humans. What’s your name?”</p>
<p>If possible, the boy looks even more suspicious, probably because he has never heard of a hollow who doesn’t eat humans:</p>
<p>“Why would a hollow want to protect Aunt Masaki? You’re lying aren’t you?” Ichigo laughs, because the boy sounds so uncertain - why would a hollow lie after all. Why would a monster not attack on sight, why would it go so far to protect a human instead of eating it? Something seems to occur to the boy then because he frowns harder (so hard it looks more like he’s straining to see what’s in front of him than anything else). “Why are you in the human world if you’re not here to feed anyway? I know the stronger hollows mostly stay in Hueco Mundo.”</p>
<p>Ichigo… stares. Hueco Mundo? He’s never heard of it, and he’s been on his own for a few years now (he would be, what, twelve, maybe thirteen by now? It’s hard to say when all days and nights are the same).Is Hueco Mundo the afterlife for the monsters like him? Are there more of him there then, hollows who don’t eat humans and stay far away?</p>
<p>Should he go there?</p>
<p>He leaves the boy then, too fast for his young eyes to follow just yet (the boy yells a furious “Hey!” but Ichigo is already too far to hear it). He let Hamlet stay near the boy, just in case. If they are cousins, then the boy deserves his protection - although it seems he won’t need it in a few years. Still, Ichigo has seen monsters far scarier than a ten (twelve?) year old boy with a shiny bow, so Hamlet has his instructions - stay far but if necessary, eat the threat. Hamlet may be loud and overdramatic, but he’s also fast and, like the rest of Ichigo, <em>hungry</em>.</p>
<p>To follow his mom, he sends Ophelia who can still pass as a normal bird. She’s the one he sends to leave gifts on the Kurosaki’s doorsteps after all, so there shouldn’t be any problem. And if there is, well, as sweet as she usually is, Ophelia is also protective of her flock. She’s the smallest of his birds, but filled to the brim with his reiatsu. Most hollows would turn heel just at the sight of her.</p>
<p>He looks at the sky, the sun slowly setting over Karakura, the only home he’s ever known. He’s at the river bank, the place where he dies. He comes here a lot whenever he has to think. Not far from him, he sees the small shrine, still here despite the years. People don’t easily forget the death of a small child, even when they move on.</p>
<p>“Hueco Mundo, huh?” he whispers. Only Crow is here to hear his musings and she makes herself known, caws from her favourite place (Ichigo’s hair). “I know, I know, I should at least check it out. It’s not like I can’t come back if I don’t like it. And my family they…”</p>
<p>He thinks about them, about his mom and dad teaching the girls self-defense, about the boy who is apparently a cousin of sorts, about the weird candy shop and its cat Shinigami, about Tatsuki who comes to dinner regularly. He thinks about Yuzu who still sleeps in his room when she needs comforting, about Karin who now that she’s older has started wearing his old clothes and still keeps one of his old plushes because it’s <em>something </em>of his. Can he truly leave and abandon them once again? Crow screeches once and then pulls on a strand of hair.</p>
<p>Right.</p>
<p>It’s not abandoning if they don’t know he’s still there right? They’re moving on, slowly but surely, and as the monster that he now is, so should he. It’s not like they’ll accept him if they could see him (Karin can, he knows, or at least she will soon. She sees the Pluses now even if she doesn’t usually acknowledge them). Or maybe they would but what kind of life would they lead then? Ichigo can’t go back to school, can’t find a job and have a normal life. He’s dead. So maybe leaving is the right thing to do, the only thing that will leave his family able to heal and him to… Well, he’ll find something to do, probably.</p>
<p>Hueco Mundo it is, then.</p>
<p>It only takes a thought, now that he knows the name. The beast purrs so loudly that he barely hears the happy yells of his birds. The portal - Garganta the beast murmurs, sounding awed for the first time since Ichigo’s become aware of its existence - is void black, terrifying for anyone that isn’t used to monsters. Ichigo is, so he steps in without hesitation or without a look on the world he leaves behind.</p>
<p>(if he had, he would have seen his mother, Kurosaki Masaki, come to dust the shrine and put fresh flowers. He would have seen her eyes widen, because she has just regained her sight. He would have seen tears in her eyes, because no matter the new clothes, the growth and the hole in his heart, Kurosaki Masaki would always recognize her son.)</p>
<p>(but Ichigo leaves and doesn’t look behind, so Masaki is left alone with flowers in her arms, and a new hope in her heart.)</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Nothing like a funeral (to make you feel alive)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi everyone!!</p>
<p>Hope the wait hasn't been too long haha I've been... doing stuff. And writing stuff. And stuff.</p>
<p>The chapter title is from Life is Beautiful, a title by the band Sixx:Am (I really freaking love this song, the lyrics are great for chapter titles xD)</p>
<p>This is a really short chapter but I hope you enjoy it!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hueco Mundo is… Black. And white. Mostly boring - even more so than the human world. Ichigo is disappointed honestly.</p>
<p>A lot of sand, barely one or two dead trees only illuminated by the crescent moon, the Hueco Mundo looks to be pretty depressing. And empty - Ichigo can’t see any hollow around.</p>
<p>But he can <em>feel</em> them.</p>
<p>They’re here. Some are hidden underground, others are too far for his eyes to see. One is pretending to be a tree a few feet away from him.</p>
<p>Ichigo sighs.</p>
<p>Apparently, even here he’s a freak that the locals want to avoid as much as possible.</p>
<p>(of course it might have to do with his leaking reiatsu, making the whole ground around him vibrate like a weak earthquake)</p>
<p>(or the furious murder of crows flying around him like a bad omen)</p>
<p>(sadly for Ichigo, smart hollows tend to be a superstitious bunch while the others just died under the pressure of his reiatsu)</p>
<p>For a short moment, Ichigo considers going back. He misses the familiar smells of Karakura Town already. But Ichigo is determined (and pretty stubborn), so he simply starts walking, past the hollow tree, past the first hills then the next ones. The scenery barely changes at first, still the same white sand and black trees, the same moon who seems to mock Ichigo for his poor decision-making skills.</p>
<p>He sees shapes, far away, running amongst the hills, always too far to call. They never come close. He sees prints of feet, paws, hooves, and more.</p>
<p>There isn’t a town or even a village. He wonders if there truly are stronger hollows, or if all are similar to those he saw in Karakura Town, strong enough to scare humans or Pluses but barely more than ants to him. Maybe this is why he is still alone, maybe he is just too strong already.</p>
<p>He keeps at it anyway, keeps walking through cold sand, wonders for a second if it truly is sand or if maybe it’s the ashes of thousands of dead hollows, accumulated to make a dead world. The wind keeps throwing his hair into his face, and sand gets everywhere from his mouth to his ears, but still he walks.</p>
<p>After what feels like an eternity and a half, he feels it, finally, as he approaches what looks to be like a forest. The trees are different, larger, darker. It’s less a forest and more a dead jungle, with what feels like dozens of signatures crawling inside. They’re all stronger than what he is used to, stronger than the strongest Hollow he ate in Karakura Town.</p>
<p>He smiles.</p>
<p>Finally, good company (<em>finally, a worthy fight</em>)</p>
<hr/>
<p>“So… Aunt Masaki…” Uryuu starts, not really sure where he’s going.</p>
<p>How do you even say “hey your dead son is a hollow and he might have set his crows on you so have you ever noticed anything unusual the last few years?” to your aunt who is not even exactly your aunt and somehow helped the grief of losing his mother go away?</p>
<p>Even without powers, she still kicks his father’s ass whenever they spar. Every single time. Uryuu loves her but she’s kinda terrifying.</p>
<p>He likes to think they have a bond, something forged with the tears they shed for the people who left them on the same day. They met the day of the funeral - one for the two people who died. Uryuu was young then, but old enough to understand that his mother wouldn’t be coming back and that neither would this “cousin” that he never met - that he’d never ever get to meet.</p>
<p>Well.</p>
<p>That was what he thought when he was eight and barely understood how hollows were created. Now, his cousin is one or something similar. And he has birds. That follows people. And play dead when threatened with a Spirit Weapon.</p>
<p>“What is it Uryuu?” Aunt Masaki asks with a comforting smile.</p>
<p>She probably thinks he’s worried about the upcoming entrance exams for high school - he is, if only because his father will accept nothing except excellence and until he has the paper with a “100” on it, Uryuu will always worry. But that’s not what his worry is today. Today, his worry is about the hundreds or so birds hovering or perching near the Kurosaki's house.</p>
<p>“There’s… There’s a lot of birds around your house, Aunt Masaki,” Uryuu ends up saying. His voice cracks at the word “lot”. He’s not sure whether he blames nerves or puberty.</p>
<p>“Oh yes, Yuzu is a wonder with animals. They even leave gifts on the windowsill. Useless most of them, but they’re pretty.”</p>
<p>This isn’t “being a wonder with animals” Uryuu thinks with maybe just a tiny bit of panic as the Kurosaki’s house comes into view, almost hidden by the cloud of birds around it. It’s a small mercy the neighbours haven’t complained about it. Or that there’s no rumour about a curse.</p>
<p>He almost insists but then he catches the movement that Masaki does with her hands.</p>
<p>The thing is, Quincy, even as reduced in number as they are nowadays, are made for war. Everything they do, everything they make, everything they learn is about fighting against hollows and, should it come to it, Shinigami. Uryuu is no exception, even if his father would rather he becomes a doctor (no chance in hell).</p>
<p>Between martial arts and reishi training, Uryuu has absorbed a number of knowledge from when the Quincy were an army instead of barely three people. Amongst them, he learned the sign language their assassins used. Aunt Masaki taught him, just in case (his father protested of course, but Masaki said it’s because he was being bitter since she’d always been better at it) and now he can see her use it, three careful sighs over and over.</p>
<p>
  <em>Caution.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Enemy listening.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Sensitive information.</em>
</p>
<p>He stays quiet after that.</p>
<hr/>
<p>“You lied to me.”</p>
<p>Masaki’s voice is flat, her tone the dangerous kind that Kisuke, over the years, has learned to be careful of. He lets out a relieved sigh when it turns out she’s glaring at Yoruichi instead of him - for once, he’s not the one in the crosshairs.</p>
<p>Yoruichi betrays nothing in her cat form, but Masaki doesn’t relent.</p>
<p>“You knew my son was - that he was still here.”</p>
<p>She was about to say ‘alive’ but they all know this isn’t possible.</p>
<p>But wait.</p>
<p>That he is still here, that means - that means Yoruichi was keeping secrets, because he never noticed (of course he didn’t, he’s been concentrated on giving Masaki her powers back, on making sure Yhwach doesn’t have any hold over her anymore so that no tragedy happens, not on his watch), he used to notice these things, he’s been slipping damn it, she’s going to make fun of him for years.</p>
<p>Kurosaki Ichigo is still here then.</p>
<p>He must be a hollow then, but a normal hollow wouldn’t grab Masaki’s attention like that. She has always been an optimist, a sap full of hope, but she’s never been delusional. She has been grieving like any mother would and it would take nothing short of a miracle to make her say my son is still here.</p>
<p>Kisuke isn’t a religious man, despite his status as a ‘god of death’. But now, as he watches the fire in Masaki’s brown eyes, he thinks he might offer a prayer or two, for the fools who would put themselves between her and the son she thought she’d lost. Right now, that fool is Yoruichi and as much fun as it can be to watch her be threatened, Kisuke doesn’t want to lose her best friend so he intervenes:</p>
<p>“Now, Masaki-san, I’m sure Yoruichi has a good explanation”</p>
<p>“I wasn’t sure it was him,” Yoruichi offers; Masaki doesn’t look convinced, “Look I didn’t want you to get your hopes up if he was just one of those hollows… But the thing is, he looks mostly human, he’s smart. And not smart the way evolved hollows are - he’s smart like a Shinigami”</p>
<p>Or a Vasto Lorde, she doesn’t say, but Kisuke knows her well enough to understand anyway; Masaki does too, if her narrowed eyes are any indication. She still looks angry - Kisuke doesn’t blame her - but she looks less like she’ll strangle Yoruichi with her own tail. Instead Masaki might simply shave her during a nap; Kisuke looks forward to it - he may even offer his help.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Inoue Orihime is used to being alone.</p>
<p>It’s not that she likes it, it’s simply the way things are. Other kids have parents, grandparents, relatives, friends and siblings.</p>
<p>Orihime has no one but herself.</p>
<p>Of course, it wasn’t always the case. Once, she had parents, though they weren’t very good ones; but more importantly, she had her big brother.</p>
<p>When she was three, she broke an arm. Most of her memories of that time are fuzzy but she remembers being grabbed and thrown around by her dad - it might have been because she was being too noisy or he was simply too drunk, though ultimately the reasons don’t really matter.</p>
<p>Her big brother had been the one to cradle her in his arms, to run under the rain to bring her to the nearest clinic.</p>
<p>(She’d always remember the dark look in the doctor’s eyes, how he’d ushered his own son out of the room at the sight of her bruises and the yelling behind the closed door that had led to her brother coming back with four bags and a newfound determination to take care of her)</p>
<p>They’d left their home after that incident. Orihime had lost her parents (she’s not sure it’s a bad thing but even nowadays she catches herself about a loving mother and a caring father, about bittersweet what if and a different life)</p>
<p>But back then she had her big brother and together, it felt like they could take anything the world would throw at them. It didn’t matter that they lived in a tiny flat with rotting walls and dead mice. It didn’t matter that it was located in the worst part of town or that they owed so much debt that sometimes, the wrong kind of people followed her after school, just as a reminder.</p>
<p>(the one time one of them tries to grab her, something happens. She’s not sure what, but something throws him away, breaks his legs and leaves him crying from pain and fear on the ground. She stays with him until the ambulance gets here, because she doesn’t want to know the consequences on her brother if she leaves the man here)</p>
<p>(she doesn’t know what helped her, if it is a demon, a yokai or a ghost, but doesn’t know if she even believes what she saw but in her darkest days, she likes to think it was her guardian angel)</p>
<p>It didn’t matter that her brother had to stop university to work small part-time jobs with no professional future, or that she had no friends and kept being bullied for being too pretty, too weird, too smart, too tall, for being herself.</p>
<p>It didn’t matter until it did because no matter what people say words hurt just as much as sticks. When she stopped smiling, Orihime felt like her skin was torn off, as if everyone could see the raw parts of herself, the dark part that wanted to scream and cry and hit and throw everything away. The part that only wanted silence.</p>
<p>She screamed at her brother once. It was only one time, the time he brought her pretty hair-clips, hair-clips for a child that she felt had been dead for a while.</p>
<p>She screamed that he didn’t understand, that even if she wore them, it wouldn’t stop the boys from trying to touch her breasts, it wouldn’t stop the teachers from saying “you’re almost a woman aren’t you?” with a leering smile as if she didn’t understand what they meant, it wouldn’t stop the man who tried to put his hand under her skirt on the train.</p>
<p>It wouldn’t stop the whispers that she was too pretty to be a child and too childish to be an adult, it wouldn’t stop the girls from being jealous of her new curves even though they didn’t understand yet what expectations came with those. It wouldn’t stop the boys betting on who would get to steal her first kiss as if she was a prize to be won instead of a human being.</p>
<p>(it wouldn’t stop the fear she felt every time a man followed her, it wouldn’t stop the shivers of disgust she got when she stared at her growing body in the mirror, it wouldn’t stop her from praying to stay small and innocent just a little longer)</p>
<p>So she screamed at her brother and ran away under the rain, followed by a single white crow.</p>
<p>That night, she lost the last person she loved. Her brother died, because he followed (of course he did).</p>
<p>When she stares at the tiny portrait of him during the burial, she wonders if there’s something wrong with her, that makes all people that she loves leave her. If maybe she should be the one to die instead. Would god accept such a bargain? Her life for her brother’s?</p>
<p>The white crow shakes its head when she asks it, only coos sadly and she decides maybe this is really her guardian angel, maybe this is a sign that she should go on - for her brother who loved and saved her if nothing else.</p>
<p>So she puts a smile on her face, keeps the hair-clips despite how old she feels inside. She ignores the boys trying to kiss her and the girls whispering insults in their ignorance. She ignores the leers of her older teachers and the comments of passersby in the streets.</p>
<p>She acts clumsy and childish, uses it as an armour against everything the world throws at her. She brings failed bento at school and eats them with a smile, not because she is terrible at cooking but because she hates the expectations that women must be good in the kitchen.</p>
<p>She gets the best marks she can (her relatives from far away expect the best from that one little niece they have never met and don’t want to bother with), keeps smiling because if she stops she won’t be able to do it again.</p>
<p>Inoue Orihime is eleven and alone against the world but that’s okay.</p>
<p>She can still smile.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you for reading! Don't hesitate to comment if you liked something in particular!</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>There we go. It's starting. OwO</p></blockquote></div></div>
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